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The Tabloid News Edition 19
'THE TABLOID NEWS XIX ' Sir Pickles: Editor-In-Chief 'FROM THE EDITOR ' It has been a while since you ungrateful wretches got a Tabloid. Hopefully this absence will have made your coal-black hearts fonder for the wonderful journalism that is The Tabloid News. Perhaps that will teach you not to vote for another newspaper! In the absence, there has been a lot of news that needs to be reported, and even more importantly, there is a lot of truth the other newspapers will not report that we will! That being said, on with the news . . . 'MR. VALENTINE SOLD SOUL TO MIGUEL FOR RANK OF DON ' Celebrated Las Vegas Mafioso, Mr. Valentine, was recently promoted to the rank of Don from Consigliere. Many people have assumed that his prowess in the criminal field, his adept leadership of his Criminal Ninja (the proper plural of Ninja is Ninja!), and his presence as a public leader have all played a role in his upward mobility. The real story behind his ascension is a few days prior to his new title, the lawyers for Mr. Valentine and the lawyers for Miguel finally hammered out the finest print and the tiniest detail of the contract selling Mr. Valentine’s soul to Miguel for rank and fame. An inside source at the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe told The Tabloid News that the contract is iron clad, and Mr. Valentine shall achieve rank and prestige. If, he should meet an unfortunate demise, he is to serve as Miguel’s Goat Stable-Boy for all eternity. Neither Miguel nor Mr. Valentine could be reached for comment. 'TRUTH BEHIND MONEY PENNY’S DEATH REVEALED ' Money Penny, respected Miami socialite, was reported kill by an ammunition salesman in a deal gone bad. However, new facts have come to light, exclusive only to The Tabloid News. MoneyPenny was abducted by aliens, and is being held on their home planet Tralfamador. She is, reportedly, being held on display in a Talfamdorian zoo as an example of human life. She is rumoured to be in a display with another human female, Montana Wildhack. The was no ransom note left, and at present, no expectations of getting Money Penny back. The Tabloid News wishes her the best of luck out there. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red Watch, I keep having a dream where I’m in a boat. When I wake up, I’ve wet my bed! What should I do? Signed, Randle Pee McMurphy ---------------------------------- Dear Pee, Sell your houseboat, and stop drinking so many beers before bed. Red ------------------------------ Dear Red, I feel empty inside. Dogs bark at me. I no longer have a reflection in the mirror. Help! Signed, Mr. V ------------------------------------ Dear Val, You’ve lost your soul. Since you can’t see your reflection, I suggest you get someone else to comb your hair and dress you. Red 'TABLOID HUMOUR ' Oddly enough, this is a clean one . . . A magician had a parrot land on his shoulder during a performance, and it never left. After a few months of not talking, the parrot began to tell the audience how the tricks were done. “Awk, trap door!” “Awk, hidden pocket!” “Awk, marked cards!” And, needless to say, this really annoyed the magician, but he could never get rid of the bird. One day, the magician was taking a cruise. While they were asleep, the ship sunk, and the magician and his parrot woke up floating on a chest of drawers. Finally, after a week at sea without saying a word to each other, the parrot says, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship? 'GAMBLING ADDICTION REAL REASON PORTIA LEFT CHICAGO ' Former Chicago Kingpin, or rather Queenpin, Portia, claims the reasons she left Chicago were to focus her attention on running the lottery. The real reason Portia left Chicago is because she has a gambling problem. Every time the “wise old man” came to Portia saying the Cubs were going to win the World Series, she bet several thousand dollars on their games. The Cubs, however, caused her to lose all of her money, and get into very deep debt with many people. After too many unpaid bills and gambling markers, Portia was forced to leave Chicago. Sadly, she ran straight to Las Vegas, Nevada, hardly the city to conquer her gambling problem. We wish Portia luck in the healing process.